It happened. This morning as my past boss, my friend, looked into my eyes with a genuine heart and said, “I am so excited for you. This is an opportunity. An opportunity unlike anything else then I have ever heard of.”
At that moment after wrestling with it for a month now, my heart released. It fully released to pure joy and peace. I cannot begin to tell about the struggle I have had with all that is happening. I became overwhelmed despite all of the good. There was so much that my mind was called to think about. Every single corner of my being has been stretched in one way or another. Despite mostly exciting things or change, I could not handle it any longer.
This precious lesson has been difficult. It stared with worry Tuesday morning. So much worry. About things. I awoke with a jolt around 2 a.m. A text to my fiancé to see if his travels through the night were going alright. No reply. He is sleeping, I tell myself. I was worried about an illness I was overcoming. I was worried all over. I was playing the ‘what if’ game with myself. Terrible.
With the sunshine that day, I rose to greet the morning and pick up my dearest. He went straight to work and I went to find peace with my best friend, Sally. We met and chatted. This meeting kicked off a week of social meeting with the dearest of friends in my life. It has been a true blessing. With every single coffee date, walk in the park, wedding party; this week has been full of glimpses of such fullness of joy and spirit. I have had time to visit families to help with yard work. I have had time to paint signs for the wedding, set appointments, finish invites and plan. Time to run into long time friends unexpectedly. I have had time to prepare for the month long adventure I am about to embark on! I have had so much time.
The lesson in this came when in between all of this I would become frustrated. I would tense up. I would panic, become stressed, and worry. Why? Why would this show up with the change of a small plan? During a project with Austin? When something like a cake pan would break? When our good friends were moving?Why? Why couldn’t I handle these things anymore?
I thought that making it through my list of summer things would bring me peace! Not more stress! Moving around, adventuring to McCall, traveling to Oregon, adventuring to Yellowstone for a week, finishing my job, moving forward… I thought that I should be okay!
No. Yesterday it hit me like a train. I am tired. I can’t be tired right now, but I am. With this realization I found rest. I found a true calling from the LORD. I realized that this time is not something I made. It is a gift! The time I have had this week is a pure gift. A blessing in this life. I have been wrestling with change and decisions instead of first turning to prayer and gratitude. Even with typing this I feel a great release of burden. I am so thankful for this time and help from all of the fellowship in my life. I may have an unstable situation right now, but my LORD, my friends, and my fiancé will not falter. My family will not falter. Not during this time. God had given the gift of fellowship. Of people. He has given me mornings like this one, where I awoke to one of the sweetest woman in my life, Sally, doing a dance with a big smile on her preciously beautiful face. We had the morning to venture around, share our hearts, coffee, and time. Time is a gift and so is she. The LORD had given me people like my boss who said those precious words of encouragement about this backpacking adventure covering 230 miles coming up in a week. The LORD has given me this gift of a relaxed heart and mind. It has happened.
So, after all of this, I am thankful rather than worried. We are so blessed. We are so gifted. I know that I will still struggle, because I am human and that is what I do. I also know that this lesson has brought me closer than ever to my Christ Jesus.
Thank you my dearest Sally. She is clothed in strength and dignity and she laughs without fear of the future. Proverbs31:25
Thank you my dearest Austin. Where you go I will go. Where you stay I will stay. Ruth 1:16